Piratical Pineapple

Arrr, me hearties, it be talk like a pirate day again* an’ the sun be o’er the yard arm somewhere.

Which spells good winds fer this ‘ere recipe, as we’ll be hittin’ the grog hard in a mo’.

Yer see, today’s bounty hails from the pirate isles an’ were plucked from me hold fer her thematic relevance. She be laden t’ the brim wi’ enough rum an’ pineapple to satiate any sea dog or marooned scallywag!

Aye, they be the mainsails o’ today’s vessel. O’ our golden, spice-glazed cure fer scurvy.

She be a real blossomin’ beauty, this un!

So, le’s raise the sails an’ weigh anchor. Ye be needin’:

1 whole pineapple

1 red scotch bonnet

1 lime

200ml dark rum

100ml water

60g brown sugar

2 cassia quills

20 pimento berries

8 cloves

1 teaspoon of nutmeg

An’ I be sergestin’ cap’n George Morton’s Ol’ Vatted Demerara fer the base o’ yer grog. She be packed full o’ scorched dark sugar flavour, wi’out the sweetness, an’ any lack o’ subtlety can be covered by our spices. Though do feel yerself free t’ fly another flag if’n yer prefer.

Whatever yer decide, it’s time to grab a cook pot an’ begin fillin’ ‘er up. Addin’ in yer rum, water, sugar an’ spices. Along wi’ a squeeze o’ yer lime an’ the chilli, flayed an’ gutted.

In other words, aught but yer island fruit.

Then light a fire under ‘er an’ bring ‘er t’ the boil, afore cuttin’ the heat t’ a mere simmer fer fifteen t’ twen’y minutes. Long enough fer ‘er t’ reduce t’ half ‘er volume an’ thicken up a wee tad.

Aft which ye be wantin’ t’ stay the flame, altogether, an’ strain yer spices back out wi’ a sieve.

Ye won’t be needin’ ’em again in this ‘ere recipe but mayhaps some other dessert, like ginger cake, could use their help.

An’ now that ye’ have yer smooth glaze, it be time t’ warm up the grill an’ smartly slice yer remainin’ fruit. Leavin’ it bereft o’ its skin an’ cleft into pieces o’ eight. As well as cleavin’ out its core, should ye chose t’.

Then slather yer slices in the glaze an’ lay ’em out upon the deck o’ a waterlogged grill pan. Her hold aflood t’ keep any drips from catchin’ light, when they find their way into yer oven.

Where they be set t’ spend a good ten minutes beneath yer freshly-heated grill.

Aft which time yer’ll be wantin’ to fetch ’em out fer a turn an’ a secon’ shot at the glaze, more generous than the last, t’ make up fer their lost juices. Afore returnin’ ’em to yer oven fer another ten.

Followed by a third tarrin’ wi’ that groggy goodness and a final five minutes under the heat, t’ finish off this servin’ o’ slightly scorched, spiced rum scrumptiousness.

An’ blimey, she be delicious!

Sweet, yet not t’ excess, an’ laden wi’ both the dark o’ its drink an’ a smooth spice from ‘er cinnamon an’ pimento. All adrift upon that golden, tropical, pineapple base.

‘Er firepower be light – a mere



in me throat. Yet ‘er flavour is vast an’ delightful. Be it alone or wi’ a li’l’ extra glaze o’er the frozen cream.

An’ that be about all, fer today, but do give this un a go aboard yer own galley. Wi’ the same <scotch bonnet> in me own recipe or any red pepper from the 7-pot/pod family, should yer fancy more fire.

Whatsoever ye be choosin’, I be real chuffed wi’ today’s pirate grub an’ I be sure ye’ll feel the same.

*For those who don’t know, this is a holiday that began in 1995 as a way to improve a game of tennis but, helped by newspaper writers, the internet and even the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is now celebrated world wide, every september the 19th.

This was a hard post to write, what with me not being a native pirate speaker, and I do hope you appreciate it. If, however, you have as much trouble reading this language as I had writing it, a rough translation can be found here.

One thought on “Piratical Pineapple

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s