Seafarer’s Special

Arrr, me hearties, it be talk like a pirate day* and do yer know what that means?

It means it’s time t’ batten down the hatches an’ bring out the Reading Chilli Fest booty fer a special, themed review, featurin’ Simpson’s Seeds’ Funky Monkey.

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Because no salty see dog would be caught dead without such a loveable rapscallion on deck.

Why? I dinnie know. I ain’t no pirate meself but they seem t’ ‘ve been near as enamoured wi’ them as wi’ parrots. An’, while “monkey” may’ve been slang fer amateur cannon hand, fictional depictions strongly suggest that it were used literally a’least as often.

Unlike that cannon hand, howe’er, today’s golden treasure ain’t set t’ blow yer head off but it just might be as feisty as the real deal, wi’ its rocoto chilli ratin’ barely below a standard hab or bonnet.

It’s a lot rarer, though, and, whilst most prized by hobby growers fer flavour and dark seeds, it’s oft deemed unprofitable due t’ the sheer length o’ time it be takin’ t’ bear fruit.

Yet here she be, shruggin’ off naysayers like a warning cannonade. Flyin’ no flag but the white o’ plain paper an’ a gold trim about her heat shrink fast’nin’s. Her ingredients borne clear across her bow but her true colours lying within.

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An’ she be tastin’ o’ the orient, maties, a strong sweet an’ sour wi’ enough orange t’ fight the scurvy off fer weeks!

Yet there be more lurking beneath her surface, that’s fer sure. Sweet limes, honey and a hint of onion all play their part in her crew. Mandarins, too, be help’n’ keep the Funky Monkey afloat but there seems t’ ‘ve been a mutiny ‘gainst the rocoto chilli, its authority right near lost at sea.

It leaves a ling’rin’



where she has sailed but ‘most nothin’ more. ‘Least, to me unfamiliar tongue that be how it seems.

Fer the most part, I be pretty pleased wi’ this ‘ere treasure but she’ll likely seem too sweet fer many an’ her swift, clipper-like voyage, leaves me quest t’ taste this unknown chilli, unfulfilled.

But, before we weigh anchor, there be one last thing to mention an’ that be what she’ll be pairing with.

Fer me, that be duck, chicken, pork, noodles, spring rolls an’ stir fry. Perhaps white fish an’ ‘most certainly a whole host o’ grub wi’ mushrooms.

I dun think she’ll be joining me li’l’ ditty bag o’ regulars but she’ll still see sun up on deck when the wind is right an’ sure ain’t gonna get left in the hold.

*For those who don’t know, this is a holiday that began in 1995 as a way to improve a game of tennis but, helped by newspaper writers, the internet and even the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is now celebrated world wide, every september the 19th.

This was a hard post to write, what with me not being a native pirate speaker, and I do hope you appreciate it. If, however, you have as much trouble reading this language as I had writing it, a rough translation can be found here.

7 thoughts on “Seafarer’s Special

  1. yorkshirepianos September 19, 2017 / 5:38 am

    Avast there, me lad. A grand way to start the day and no mistakin’. Yer might not be a natural-born pirate but ye can do a passable banter. Maybe next year ye can find some really spiced rum to review…


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